The Sexy Wars: Salvation of Earth by Tyler Oliveira

Author:Tyler Oliveira [Oliveira, Tyler & Oliveira, Tyler]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Amazon: B07N68PSF6
Published: 2019-01-27T06:00:00+00:00

CH. 7 STUPID MEGALODON

I had heard of the megaladon in the history books once before. Legend has it that this creature accidentally defecated the universe into existence one stormy night and, here we are. In monumental events in human history, this creature, known as the megalodon, would patrol the universe when the universe’s existence was put into a serious state of crisis. The panel of legendary gods, as the history book has it, supposedly made the universe the megalodon’s eternal responsibility as punishment for its inability to control its bowels.

There had only been 4 existential crises in the history of the universe. The first crisis encompassed the time in which the homo sapien discovered a book of magic that a god had accidentally dropped from the heavens. This homo sapien, rapidly adopting the dark arts within the book, became on par with that of a god. Enslaving the homo sapiens, and eliminating half of the homo sapien race by absorbing their life force, this homo sapien challenged the gods’ very existence. Soaring to the heavens using the dark arts, this homo sapien was on the verge of consuming a god before the council intervened, sealing his existence into the form of an ant, that they swiftly crushed.

The second existential crisis encompassed the period in which the Teletubby species mastered the power of necromancy by eavesdropping in on a conversation between one intoxicated god, who had fallen onto their planet from the heavens. This Teletubby species, accidentally learning the entirety of pyromancy in the span of minutes, rapidly abused their newfound strength and set the entire universe ablaze in a fire that could not be extinguished. This crisis, contrary to popular belief, according to this history book, was only vanquished because the Chungus clan collectively combined their time travel abilities to postpone the timeline in which the Teletubby came into existence by half a second, disrupting the flow of time, and creating infinitely many parallel universes in which the Teletubbies never learned pyromancy and the world was fine.

The third existential crisis occurred as a result of the carelessness of the Chungus clan. While the Chungus clan was cementing itself as the most powerful species in existence before the homo sapiens wiped them from the universe, clan-leader Chungus G accidentally burped, causing a disruption in the space-time continuum that threatened to tear the fabric of the universe apart for the worse. While Chungus G died as a result of this catalysmic burp, the universe was sewn back into proper order through the tireless efforts of the Megalodon.

The fourth existential crisis occurred as a result of a highly problematic and accidental science experiment conducted by the homo sapien species. Long before the existence, or rather, the discovery of the Chungus clan in deep Antarctica, from a homo sapien perspective of course, the homo sapiens were testing fellow homo sapiens to see if they could identify a god gene within the homo sapien chromosome that would allow the homo sapiens to elevate their strength to that of god-dom.

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